Letters to Emma, Aly & Katie
Happy 12th Birthday Katie!
12 years old today, and it seems like yesterday your dad was bringing Emma and Alyson to the hospital to visit you.
It was just me and you for those few days, daddy had to hold down the home front with your sisters; it was so super special. I hate to think about not being able to wrap my arms around you and kiss that beautiful face for yet another birthday. It seems that each year, by the time your birthday comes, my positive spirit and hopeful outlook on life has taken a turn for the worse. I was telling someone the other day that I feel like I am on a hamster wheel and just when I feel ready to get off, here comes another birthday to celebrate. Having three birthdays to celebrate without each of you is simply cruel. I sometimes want to scream: "Enough is enough!"
As mothers, we take care and love our child from the minute we find out you are living inside us, so the day a child is born is the most magical, tender day ever for a mother: your birthday! It is a celebration of the day we first met on the outside. It does not matter if you are one or fifty-one, our hearts feel the same. It does not matter it we are a mother to one child or ten children, every birthday is special. It is your day and everyone deserves to be celebrated on that one day a year. Everyone is worthy of a giant hug and a thousand kisses on their birthday, no matter how old or young they are. I am sorry I cannot give you that.
I know you have been sending me signs the past two weeks, to tell me you are not far from me. I loved the one you sent when I was looking for the remote under the bed. I moved the container of sheets and shined the flashlight under the bed, and suddenly the bracelet you made at camp was staring at me. I had not been able to find it for a while, but now Kasey has been wearing it! Another sign came 2 days ago. I put all the Christmas decorations away last month, but on Wednesday, when the cleaning woman was here, she left a Christmas ornament she found underneath the couch and of course it was one that you made, with your picture in it. I cried, but I know that was meant to let me know you are always close by.
I wish I could say that things get easier as time goes on, but they don't, and the amount of work and energy it takes to keep the grief from taking over is huge and exhausting. Some times are not as easy as others, and your birthday seems to be that time for me. I am tired and the winter never, ever helps.
I promise that next year on your birthday, Kasey and I are going to be on a beach - somewhere fantastic! She even asked where everyone is this week and I told her skiing or the away on the beach. She asked, "Why aren't we on a beach?" That was a fantastic question and I did not have a good answer. If there was ever someone who needed to ditch the winter blues, it is definitely me! Next year, Kasey and I will be sending your balloons from a beautiful island, I promise you that!
Have a wonderful celebration. I know your sisters and all your family and friends will give you all the hugs and kisses you deserve on your special day. I promise to be ok for your birthday, because I want you to have to best day possible in heaven.
Love you and miss you, Mommy